A few small ooc updates

[Tangela]

Hi all,

I've gotten a few questions lately about the IC ritual that's in the works. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can skip this post. The original plan was to have it on or around the 21st of March realtime, and that may still be able to happen, but unfortunately do to some life circumstances, I don't always have stable internet right now, mostly meaning I'm mudding largely from my phone. This is, as you might imagine, not fantastic for any elaborate RP. I'm working on getting things figured out, I still hope to be able to do everything as planned, but things are a little up in the air. I'll let people know IC when things are more stable, and hate that rl may mean having to play things by ear for a little while. Thanks to all players and characters who are participating and hope we can get things underway soon.

[gralkik]

Thanks for the heads up!

[Rakon]

Ah, okay. Hope things straighten out for you, Tangela. I just wanted to be sure I didn't miss it. I've been logging in hit or miss the last week or two.

[artus]

Apparently I'm unfortunate enough to fall under piles of papers and researches as well, so it's not for you that's been dying of wanting to come back. I log on mostly to idle these day, having the other windows up for searching crap to add to my research, which of course, I wish I didn't have to do.
Still working on all the parts required for the ritual though, don't worry. If possible, I'd prefer it after march 28th, as I have to scrap up and get all my research details done for a presentation that day, and my research involves a lot of folklore related stuff I have to gather back home. After 28th, I can be most certain to get back here full time like before.
Sorry Tangela, sorry everyone.

[Tangela]

Good luck on your project. I remember how exciting and stressful those were. Well, with that in mind, it almost seems too good not to have on April 1st. So that might be the new date if it works for y'all.

[jilliana]

Didn't realize you had set a date on it. Good to know I didn't miss it. April works for me.

[artus]

Important note for all that regards:
As much as I don't want to write this post, I feel a sense that I must, before I don't have a chance to.

It's not just research that troubles me, to tell you all the truth here. I've been living through thoughts after thoughts to suicide, and life is no longer a thing for me to maintain. I'm in a mess I can't get out.
Following that ranting, I've been trying, very hard, to gather all strength and courage to wait til next Wednesday, which is the day my university counsouler will send me to the doctor. I don't know what will become of me, and I'm no longer able to keep positivity in my head. Happiness is bound to never last long, and it's only a lot of smiles I may need to survive.

Either way, with that said, if I can get through it, I really wish to be part of this ritual and many others with you guys. I really hope, and I really try. But if I give way, please take care of my clokack. It's a piece I maintained by heart, and I added much of me in it. As a memory, please maintain the pack after me.

I don't know if I'll be able to make it til that day. I don't promise any assurance for my existence. But before you jump to conclusion that I'm one of the weak souls that easily gives way, please know that I'm trying my best, and the whole 21 years in my life is of myself the closest of blood never see and value. I love you all, and will continue to love no matter where in the eternity I am.

[Rias]

Arty, I'm glad we got to talk the other day. I've wanted to follow up with you but I haven't had a way to get in touch with you outside hoping I catch you on CLOK. Please feel free to send me an email (rias@contrarium.net) so we can communicate more easily. You know my feelings on your situation, and the only place I want you at in the eternity is to remain here where everyone can continue to enjoy and benefit from your presence, spirit, and company. You're someone who restores my faith in the goodness of humanity.

Also, I have a thing I'm working on for CLOK that I want your character involved in.

[Uyoku]

Artus, please don't hesitate to email me at uyoku@clokmud.com any time. I don't know of any other way to communicate with you other than here and clok itself.

Like I said the other night, I am here for you in any way possible and want to do all I can.

You do not face this alone and like the other night, we will be here for you.

[preiman]

Artus, you're not alone, I understand those thoughts and feelings. if you ever need a little support, I am here. I've been where you are, and there is a way through, even if it is not always obvious.
If you need someone to talk with, poke me, and I'll be there okay.

[Tangela]

Artus,

I really hate to hear this. As others have said, we are absolutely here for you in whatever way we can be.

There is no way we're doing this ritual without you. The plan was yours, most of the components gathered were yours, and you've been an integral part of the idea since the beginning. We will wait for you. That said, take your time. If you're feeling ready to do this next week, fine. We'll do that. If you're ready next month, wonderful. We'll do it then. If you're ready next year? We'll do it then. Take the time you need for yourself to get yourself into a better headspace. We will be here for you during and after.

[gralkik]

Artus,
If only the words could properly be expressed the understanding I truly feel. I once traveled a much darker road then perhaps the one you see before you.

It is a dark road to travel down. We often think we are alone. (we are not) Many around us do love us. Cherish us. We may not see the light at the end of the road. Often times we need to go out of the way to let people know what is going on. (As you have). We are all hear for you. I've said this before, and I agree with everyone here. You need to talk to someone. We're all hear for you. I've told people (though I feel selfish at the best of times) anyone can call me to talk, even if it is the middle of the night. Can't get a hold of me? Please leave a message! And I'll get to you as soon as I can. You have me on skype. And I am around almost all the time. Or, try to be.

That goes for anyone.

[artus]

I'm speechless...
I know deep down I want to do much, much more than just sit here and smile in tears, tears some people i wish seeing could never see, a smile brightest when I'm alone in front of my laptop.

I don't, and never want anyone to have to slow the hell down because of me, and I really try to get myself up and do things. My happiness lies within the fact that I can be one with you all, can enjoy Dakhal's punch here and there, can take on some more stabbings from Jasan.

Thank you for sustaining me, and thank you for slowing down for me. I can hardly ever feel any better, but I try.

With that said, I love you all, no matter if we've ever interacted.

[jilliana]

My heart breaks for you, Artus.

We're here for you. I'm always, always willing to listen. And if you don't want to talk but simply have company, I'm good for that too. Just try not to forget that you're never alone in those dark moments because a lot of us have experienced them as well. Our experiences are not the same, but a dark moment is what it is and the best thing to do even when we don't realize it is to reach out.

Many hugs from me to you, and of course, chocolate.

[Jaster]

As a medical provider with a great interest in mental health, I would be remiss if I didn't share this with you and everyone else, Artus. It doesn't appear by your BBS profile that you're in the United States, but hopefully you can use some of the below information to connect with someone specializing in suicide prevention and speak with them about your situation. It's important that you don't do this alone.

Samaritans of Thailand
http://www.samaritans-thailand.org/Default.aspx

Bangkok
(02) 713 6793 (Thai)
12:00 noon to 22:00 hours/day., 7 days a week
(02) 713-6791(English call back service within 24 hours)
24 hours/day, 7 days/week

Chiang Mai
(053) 225-977/8 (Thai)
19:00 - 22:00 hrs
(Mon, Tues, Thurs, Sat)

For those of us in the states, if you or someone you know is struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, there's the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline operating 24/7: 1-800-273-8255.

There is also a chatline at their website for the deaf or hard of hearing, as well as a slew of other resources: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

And let's all remember the five steps of suicide prevention: 1) Ask. 2) Keep them safe. 3) Be there. 4) Help them connect. 5) Follow up.

Great work compadres. Best wishes, Artus.

[artus]

For those who may not be able to check chat or discord: just a quick update here.
i'm back from the doctor, and was officially diagnosed as having moderate stage major depressive disorder. The doctor said he suspected me to have possible onset ptsd too but he wasn't very sure.

And it had to happen by the time jirato had a bad time too. i wish i could give this lovely gm a hug right now.:( I feel ya man. Clok's been one of only a few places I comfortably consider home, and I wish, by all means, to sustain this home and its holders. I didn't mistake the grammar. I'd say the holders of it, but this home of mine has a heart and a life, and so are you all.

[gralkik]

I was just reminded of something this morning, that I feel... that I should share with everyone. Many years ago, i did a three month trip of doing some wilderness adventure stuff. It ranged from backpacking to a remote region of the mountains, and were there for a week. We also did back-country mountain biking. White-water canoeing, Ice climbing, spelunking, repelling, and mountain climbing. (we also did a number of day hiking trips up mountains.) I was going through a rough time in my life then. But, going on that trip was the best thing for me. It tried me, tested me, tempered me to being who I am today. And the most significant part of that trip that I'll always remember the most is one rock climb i had done. It was a 100 ft, 5.10 technical rock climb. The hardest climb that anyone could climb. IT -pushes- you to your limit and beyond. 100 ft of solid, flat rock, with no holds, but maybe the tiniest ledges. No bigger sometimes then a centimeter in thickness in the best of places, if you were lucky. It taught me one thing, life throws walls at us. Sometimes they're the most technical things we have to climb over. Like that of a 5.10 technical climb can, and does. We need to bear our teeth, see our goal, and climb.
I am not a strong climber, so this wall was a real, real challenge. I fell a number of times making this climb. It was frustrating. Though, I was determined to make it to the top. So the real point is, just hang in there, you'll get through to the end. Show determination. Show that wall you own it. Conquer it! It's just a wall of stone. (There will always be people there to catch you if you feel like you're slipping.)

[Rakon]

Oh man, Artus, I'm sorry to hear all of this is going on for you. I wish I could help beyond offering to chat with you... but I have found that sometimes talking about stuff helps you feel a bit better about things. I have unfortunately had some experience with depression and related things, and I know dealing with it is not easy. Please take care of yourself, and know your buddies on CLOK are thinking of you.

[artus]

My final fate says I live.

it's cleared and it's done. The only thing left now is the negativity in my mind. I may need medicine to help for a while, but I'll bring back that smile one day, I'm sure.

I'll be that same Artus everyone bothers. Stay tuned guys.

[gralkik]

And the cheering resounds all through the night! And there was singing and dancing by all! We live you Artus!