CLOK BBS

Please note, any information about Troy in this thread is purely here for your and my own entertainment as a player, and would/could not be known by your character in-game simply from you reading these posts.

This is also for my own entertainment and to help me hash out Troy’s unique inner conflicts, worries and feelings as a character and also to help me feel more invested in my character and his story. If you take the time to read, I hope you enjoy.

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In many ways, returning to assignment at Shadgard is like a poorly planned holiday. A welcome release from the strict formalities of Ivial, like being released from a slow death by choking on tradition and duty. I enjoy the freedom, the fresh air and the trees. I would not have thought this a year ago. I find it surprising how much a man can change, though a half-year posted at the edge of that Nuum wasteland can change anyone’s perspective, I am willing to believe. It is good to be back to enjoy simpler things in life, but also troubling, and hardly relaxing as a good holiday should be.

Much has changed since my last assignment. When I left, Thaelsh was newly discovered, and my friend Alexander was struggling with his own zealous nature. Or so I called it, perhaps he has always been more like me than I thought. Many of my Ivial brothers seem to struggle with zealotry, but rarely to a fault. Perhaps I overestimate them. What drew me to follow him and to train with him, and… why does he now sit in a jail cell?

Something is not right, and I mean to find it out.

Thus far, I have received welcome from a younger sister of the order, Saeda, she is called. She seems driven, if a bit naïve thus far. I have not had time to determine more than my initial impression of her, though she seemed to respond to the typical formalities, chivalry, and so forth. Typical thus far, I suppose, I should not be surprised. She also introduced me to a monk by the name of Lae. A very troubled woman, though she seems to do her best to hide it. You can see the pain hidden behind her smiles, and see her trying to push it down with her work; cooking, farming, healing. I suppose any of us would act the same, or worse, given what was taken from her. As if innocents and love were ripped away in a single stroke.

Of a more interesting note has been this other woman. The one who has helped me in my search for information. She unsurprisingly has been more helpful and efficient in the matter than any of those of the Church have been. I find her… intriguing and unique. Raw. And refreshingly real. Her personal scars… sting far too close to my own heart and I find that pulls me toward her in some inexplicable way.

Still, I am cautious. Whether she intends to use me remains to be seen, however, it would not be the first time a woman has tried, or succeeded, in doing so. However I have decided, in this case, that I accept the risk. Perhaps this choice will prove a foolish in the end. Still, even if I be a fool, I find her to be the most refreshing thing about returning to the West, and that alone makes this a worthwhile and necessary risk.

Time shall tell.

Women are strange creatures.

I appear to have made a poor impression in an attempt to prove to that I am my own man, and not ruled by the symbols or armor I wear. I seem to have pushed too hard and too fast to prove that I can be trusted. I realize now that it is a foolish thing to rush trust, and now that I have time to reflect, that is likely what I have done. I have never been very patient. I wrote a letter though that I hope will repair some of what I have done, though I fear it long and rambling, making things more complicated than necessary, but perhaps it is necessary. Nothing is simple in regard to this... or in regard to how I feel.

In the letter, I spoke briefly of my upbringing. It brought back many memories...It is good to see the orphanage here in Shadgard is much cleaner, and seemingly well cared for in comparison.

Of another note, I will also have to remember that Lae's cooking should be approached cautiously in the future. At first I thought she was trying to poison me, perhaps my initial impression was correct, however, for now I will simply choose to believe that she accidentally added a few bad mushrooms to that batch of apple pie... the effect of which was quite disturbing.

When she stepped out, I took what remained of the pie with me, wrapped in a cloth so I could inspect it. Oddly, bites I took later did not have the same effect later, so if poison, it only remains potent for a time, and if bad fungi then there were only a tiny portion within a few bites. Either way, I cannot assume anything more at this time, but I will be more cautious in the future.

I cannot sleep and so I write.

Much happened today, and thus far each day changes my perspective of the West. Each day a new challenge, a new memory... often leading to old memories long lost and forgotten. Today I was riding toward the gates only to see Jaster, an acquaintance from my past posting here, shot down right before me by the constable. I found myself clutching the hilt of my sword, nearly prepared to charge the man who claimed to be serving 'justice'. If he and his militia had not left soon after... I do not know what could have happened. I do not know what Jaster may have done, but I cannot believe he deserved to be shot in the street. Lae states he is a good man, and I have see nothing to indicate otherwise, even if he enjoys lightening a pocket here and there.

Something feels direly wrong in Shadgard.

This is not the first time I have seen a man killed for so little, and I doubt it will be the last. It reminded me of Jaq. I miss that fool.

Later today, whether by chance, or by fate, I stumbled across a woman who claimed the talent of Fortelling. At first, I declined a reading, fearing what it might state. However, when she crossed my path again, I could not deny that perhaps I needed to hear. What I heard certainly gave me pause, I left the words recorded in my other pack, I will record them here once I return to the Church in the morn. They were however, quite interesting, and rang true to many of the questions I hold in my heart at this time.

I also had opportunity to face down a beast of monstrous size, alongside an impressive warrior of the Dwaedn Wyr. She calls herself Evelyn, and I would certainly not with so be on the receiving end of her hammers, or her claws. A "drakolin" the beast was called, and with some strategy, and the healing of Lae, we were able to topple the great beast, I managing to land the final blow. It has been quite some time since I have actually enjoyed a fight. It must have been the challenge of it, the adrenaline... and even the fear. When was the last I actually felt afraid? I admit, it was quite exhilarating.

Perhaps that is why I am drawn to this woman of Tol Rhun? Do I fear her? No, certainly not. Though she is fierce I do not believe that to be it. But, she is certainly a challenge... oh yes, enough to drive a man insane. Perhaps it is that she is another way for me to feel free? Perhaps it is that I find myself caring for her well being? Is it that I wish to repair a small part of trust broken those ages ago by the Viali? Or is it more. After all is said, what am I? Who am I? I wish I knew so that I might tell her. All I can offer her is myself, my faults, my weakness... my strengths? What can I offer her, when I do not know my own bloodline? Perhaps she is right about somethings... but I refuse to give up so easily. I am only a man, trying to be a bit better than average. Perhaps she can come to see that.

What many do not see is that the Church is not Ivial, nor is Ivial the Church. Just as the Church is not the Knight, nor the Knight the Church. My power... my inner light, as they say is the source of thaumaturgy. My source of strength. Does not the Church teach that we serve no one deity?

Likewise, I can serve no political theme, nor ideal. To maintain and strengthen my light, I must be true to myself and that which is right. The power of inner light can only come from myself powered by the choices I make. I refuse to accept the prejudices and the hatred of age old politics. By standing for my ideals, by standing against the hate and prejudices, I stand true. In such I find my power and the light, and in the balance of my life. Just as life is not black, nor white, I do not believe my inner light can respond in full unless I keep my life as balanced.

In the end I suppose it comes down to this; I am Troy, a Knight and a man. That alone I must hold onto when all else around me fails. If I fail to stay true to myself, then so will my light be diminished.

I thought I had lost these notes, but was able to find were I scribbled down and stuffed them into a pocket at the time.

When the Teller began, she had me focus on a question. What has dominated my thoughts as of late has been the woman of Tol Rhun. With that question in my mind, here is what the Teller foretold…

This is the Present Situation: Warmth and Light are swallowed by Deep Darkness: The Superior Person shows his brilliance by keeping it veiled among the masses. Stay true to your course, despite the visible obstacles ahead.

A glimpse of the present, and a suggestion of action…

At first glance one might take this as a warning, however, often I find that such foretellings lay the setting prior to offering observations, and then guidance. In this we seem to see such a pattern. The setting in which this question was asked seems true. Something is amiss with Shadgard, something is amiss with Alexander’s imprisonment. Deep darkness seems to swirl about… swallowing warmth and light. That seems quite a prophetic view of the present.

Secondly, I am unsure if I am meant to be the ‘superior’ person. I would certainly not choose such a title for myself, but the observation seems to ring true to me. I keep my feelings veiled from many, serving as best I can. The brilliance perhaps referring to the source of what I feel powers my inner light?

And lastly is the guidance, mentioning the obstacles ahead. This gives me hope, and simply confirms to me that the actions I have been taking thus far are… correct, I suppose.
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There is also change in the symbol. The pheasant senses danger and flees the jaws of the trap. Descending into the belly of the beast, the man beholds the true face of evil. In revulsion and despair, he flees what he knows he can never defeat.

Along with the present, a symbol was offered to add context and further consideration.

Symbols are often vague, and difficult to determine the exact meaning. Traces could be seen of this in many aspects of my current situation. A Trap? Is this what I have been sensing?

What man is this referring too, and what is the beast of which is referred? Is this referring to Sceptus, or someone else? The source of the current problems? Was this symbol meant to warn me somehow? Overall, I think this symbol is only partially related to my question. It so, then it must be important. Tellings that veer off of the question asked typically do so for a purpose…

And finally, the Future. Thunder echoes upon Thunder, commanding reverence for its father Vodr: In awe of Vodr's majestic power, the Superior Person looks within and sets his life in order.

Vodr? The symbolism here could mean several things… Vodr is said to have sacrificed himself to bring save the world? But details are vague. One thing is certain in these opening statements, and that is Power. Thunder comes after the lightning strike, an echo of the power.

Perhaps this is a warning. Will I have power in some way that could have waves of consequences? Will I need to be prepared to sacrifice in some way? It seems both are possible…

Thunder mingles with startled screams of terror for a hundred miles around. As the people nervously laugh at their own fright, the devout presents the sacrificial chalice with nary a drop of wine spilt. Deliverance.

Again we see the theme of sacrifice within the setting of darkness…

What does this have to do with my question? Am I overlooking something? Does this mean I may have what I wish, though it comes at the cost of sacrifice?

I will have to think in these words further as time goes on. However, I should not dwell on them too long. Foretellings are good for a glimpse and for insight, but I have learned that they do not tell you what choices you should or will make. It seems that only turning within oneself can they be off assistance, of reassurance that the path one has chosen is well.

If nothing else, I know now that I must persevere.

I never have made friends easily. Acquaintances yes, but a true lasting friend? Those are few and far between. As a boy I was called a bastard and dismissed, or those who claimed to accept me were others on the streets that rare trusted anyone in truth. Even now as a knight, I am either immediately trusted only because of my station, or despised or distrusted because of it. At times I wish I could be seen and judged based on something other than my circumstances or my position.

Either way, it appears I am finally being allowed a chance to prove myself. I do not plan to squander this. These people are not at all what I first thought, and now I find myself seeing why my first attempts to gain their trust failed. They only see a stiff, formal knight of Ivial. It is a veil I wear all too easily, and at times automatically. Tonight, when I dropped that veil for a time I think was finally able to make a few steps forward. At least in part.

I met a few new faces tonight that proved interesting. The first a massive monster of a canim called Slaidh. He towered a good foot over my head and I admit he made me more uncomfortable than I tried to let on. I’m fairly certain the man… yes, he is a man… could have torn through my armor with only his bare hands. Or rather claws. He likely has some Giganti ancestry alongside his condition making him even more formidable. I’ve only seen a few canim in the past, and rarely one who did not attempt to eat me immediately. However, Slaidh seemed under control for the most part, even if he did wolf down nearly half a deer carcass while we sat. He had quite the apatite. He also seemed to be joking with me about my armor. At least I think it was a joke? Difficult to tell having only met him. It seems Lae keeps him around for more brutal tasks of which I have no doubt that he is efficient.

Bryce arrived a short time later, eating three to four pies by himself. You’d think he had more an apatite than the canim did. Either way, he seemed more intent to eat and attempt to make me as uncomfortable as possible. Well, not just me. In the end his bantering upset Lae who threw him out. I assume this happens regularly however, as it didn’t seem to come as a surprise to him at all. He seems quite the character. Give him a pie, a mug and a few women to tease and you’d have a happy man with this one for weeks. There is more to him though that caught my attention. He mentioned something about the Tse Gaiyan. Tests? I am unsure what he meant, but it warrants investigation. He and Slaidh seemed quite chummy over the matter, oddly. I do not think either of them are particularly fond of the group. It makes me wonder how they view the Templar.

Lae mentioned another name I put here to remind myself to seek out. A mercenary named Spearhead.

A few other names I need to remember after tonight…Aless. C. Amborgio. Luthiendo? L-something. All were on the parchment. I’ll may have to ask again when I am not so weary. If I heard the name I would recall it, that is what matters.

Alexander has been freed. Thanks in large part to the efforts of Lae and those who helped her. I am impressed again with Alexander's determination to see what he deems to be right done. Just as when he stood up to Sharinas. He was willing to rot in that cell for as long as necessary. I am still not quite sure what to think of it. Half of it is noble beyond dispute, the other foolish and selfish. I hope my words to him did not offend, I will have to speak with him yet. Though, I suspect he will not hold my words against me. Lae and I spoke bluntly to him, but at times that is required.

Valeria sets me on edge when it should feel a welcome haven of stability. I was not recognized... but I still find myself looking over my shoulder. Perhaps no report was ever made, perhaps I am worrying over nothing. One can hope. The Justiciar seemed like a very reasonable man, perhaps I can trust him. If I were to approach him I fear his hand would be forced to side against me, with no other evidence but my own word.

On a positive note, I may have made a friend. Time shall tell. Alternatively, I continue to be practically ignored by the another. Perhaps I am a fool... but in a way she reminds me of Shai.

I have never had a woman try to protect me before. Whether she realizes it, or not.

Claiming to be forced to manipulate, use or even kill me if I don’t stay away? Why warn me unless she cared? And right after claiming to have no interest, she says one thing and in the same breath she says another.

Do I look like a man who needs protecting? Am I? Perhaps she cannot understand why I would be willing to take such risks…

I do not know how I manage to get myself into these situations. It seems that by paying a few compliments, buying a drink and lately, simply by existing, I continue to make her life miserable. Either I am blinded by my own desires, or she returns the feelings. I do not know which would be ... worse? Better?

Why have I come up? For what purpose?

For now, I will continue to attempt to give her the space she requests. It is not my desire to torment her, or stoke her ire. But how she expects to not cross paths when we now share the same friends is a bit… illogical.

She claims to want to change her life. Would not I be able to help her in that?

For now I should try to focus on my training and studies. To take my mind off of her if nothing else, it is likely what I should be doing since arriving in Shadgard anyhow.

Confusion. Frustration. Annoyance. Impatience. Such things seem to saturate my mind as of late. One moment, I begin to believe in someone and the next… nothing. I plan to avoid the situation for now. It seems that, to some, each of my actions must have some deeper or hidden meaning. Cannot a man simply be sincere and taken for such? Is being honest considered such a sin? Maybe Lae is right? Was the only reason I spent time around her for the faint hope that Kiyaani would come by so I might see her? I tell myself this is not the case, but… am I deceiving myself?

It seems distrust runs deep. As much in myself and in anyone else. So much so that I find myself pushing away, growing distant, if only to avoid the unnecessary frustration and pain.

For now, I should not allow this to distract me from my training. I still need to seek out Alexander, yet oddly I fear it. I was not so kind when last we spoke. Have I lost trust yet again?

Trust. An elusive and dangerous creature; and yet so entirely enticing. To be able to trust someone entirely without question, without worry or fear? I cannot imagine the relief such a thing would bring…in fact, I am not sure I can imagine it at all.

It has been some time since I've felt the need to collect my thoughts, but I have become too lax in my duties as of late. I write in hopes of renewing my efforts and refocusing my training.

In accepting a new task from the Church, I was sent into Thaelsh where one I was attacked aggressively by what appeared to be a fallen brother, now tainted and controlled by the Nether.

He followed me about, and even spoke to me, though it was all threats and shouts. As I gained an advantage in battle he fled into the darkness, leaving me to ponder this strange attack as I made my way back to the temple for healing.

Suddenly a swarm of the local liches and spirits flooded through the doors, surrounding the four of us. Fortunately, the other knights stationed within the walls were even more experienced in combat than I, and together we were able to dispatch this onslaught, though the wounds we took kept the poor monk very busy. During the battle I sent out an ESP thought, asking for any assistance from any Church members. One sister of the monastic order responded, but was quite helpful in her assistance.

With their help we were able to successfully defend the Temple of Light. After which I was able to regroup and I was able to hunt down and defeat this aggressive fallen one.

In looking over him closely, I could see that his armor still bore what I presume to be the old tabard of the Thaelsh templar, appropriately symbolizing the torch of Seraphina. I find it a shame that this symbol now has been tarnished so.

Unfortunately, after dispatching this creature, a lich managed to send an ice cold ball of nether into the face of the woman who had come to assist me. I ended my day by dragging her body to Father Dimmes, and reporting the incident to him...

I do hope that this is not a sign of further trouble with Thaelsh.

These past months the ruins of Thaelsh have fit my mood and have served me well as a dark sanctuary in which I could lose myself, my frustrations, and my emotions. Perhaps that is why I have not written as of late. I have had another avenue into which I could channel that lingering bitterness frustration... pain... turning it into something worthwhile or at least marginally productive. I claimed to be doing this to prevent it from overcoming me, but had it already?

Regardless, I am surprised that a simple conversation could lift the thick cloud of murk and gloom. I suppose that the light always seems brightest after being locked away in the dark, for this new glimmer has lifted my spirits beyond what I thought possible. It was … not even anything specific, and yet it brought me something…

Hope. Yes, that is what it is… I've been offered a glimmer of hope, and I plan to make the most of it.

I'm concerned about Lalora. I don't believe she ever was particularly fond of me before, but to vanish the moment I walk into the area seems a bit paranoid, even for her...especially if what Lae said is true. She grabbed a knife? I may have to watch myself as she doesn't seem quite herself. At least not of what I recall about her. She seemed confident before, not... scared or murderous.

Lae wouldn't tell me any details, only that I was in danger in Shadgard's walls. I'll have to stay on my toes, I've recognized as much the last several months, particularly given the attack on Jaster. It leaves one to wonder what else is going on, and what has happened to Lalora since I last saw her well over a year ago. I imagine Lae will tell me the details when it becomes necessary.

The last I remember her was when Thaelsh was newly discovered and she wanted to keep a celestium rod we found in the ruins from Dimmes and Sharinas. What a mess that night was. I think Alexander was ready to do something rash, and Lalora... well, I imagine she hasn't been particularly fond of the church since then. I agree with Alexander in some ways, as the situation could have been handled better looking back on it...

Aside from that oddity, these last few days have been some of the best I've had in ... ages. Small steps, but each day progresses and the hope grows stronger. I took a bit of a chance that first day... I suppose it was even a bit of a test. To gauge her reaction. I admit I was expecting to be pushed away yet again, but I had to know if this hope was in vain.

To my surprise it instead appears that a small seed of trust has been planted between us. I suppose time will tell what will become of that seed, but for now I choose to trust her and believe she is sincere, regardless of the rather obnoxious and amusing 'advice' so many people seem to feel the need to offer me on the matter. It seems she's made quite a name for herself. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. She certainly knows how to handle herself...

Life is a cruel mistress. She dangles hints of happiness before my eyes only to slap me down back into the depths of shame, hate and bitterness. I write now what will likely be my last thoughts in this journal from the depths of my stone cell in Valeria. The charges are that of betrayal and the consequence, death. High treason against the nation of Ivial.

It had been some time since I’d entered Valeria, but this time the guards it seemed had been informed to keep a sharp eye out for me. They arrested me quickly, and I did not resist. It seems that the reports of my little rebellion against Commander Rance finally reached the west.

If any are allowed to read this, know that my actions were never meant to bring harm. My desire was to protect those I viewed as innocent. Rance rules his legion with a fist of iron, racism and often cruelty. In my pride I believed I knew better than he and his senior officers. I refused direct orders and instead put in place plans that caused our supposed enemies time to escape. These so-called enemies were innocents protecting their own lands and did not deserve the death we would have brought.

Alas, I am afraid my excuses matter little with the noose now my likely end. I do know this: That only the light can judge me for what I am, and what any man says otherwise means little.

I regret many things. But deeply I regret that I have now lost an opportunity at happiness, just as I was being offered a glimpse. I regret even more that I may have hurt her as well by my failure.

If this is to be my last request, may I ask that one of the men locate the small package in my pack that was taken from me upon my arrest. This package is to be delivered to the monk called Lae with the message, “Please give this to the shadow of my heart, with my apologies.” She will know to whom the package was meant

May Seraphina herself protect me from the judgments of those who now hold my life in their hands…

((I'm guessing this is a farewell? Take care - I will miss your writings for sure. ;_;))